Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
