Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
