This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
