I just pynch a tree in the face
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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