mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
