Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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