Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
