Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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