This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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