dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
