I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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