i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
