and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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