I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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