We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
