I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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