lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
