wanna go halves on a baby?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
