one two three fourrrrnication!
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
