there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
