I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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