My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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