Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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