I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
