you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
