I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
