She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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