so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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