when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
