Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
