I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
