A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'd cum for enchiladas.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
