the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
