R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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