today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
