Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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