i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
