I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
