I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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