what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
