I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you would pick up someone in the library
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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