currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
