This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
