I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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