Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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