i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
