my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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