I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
