We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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