I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i now understand why vodka
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
