How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
