chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it hurts more in the daytime
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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