It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
