**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
