i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
