I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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