Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
