the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
