my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
