i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
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